This weekend, I listened and followed the story of the lady who was shot dead by her husband in Buruburu. It broke me for many reasons. First, nobody should go through any form of violence. It is not right. I was talking with my friend about the whole situation. See, my friend, a mother of three little boys is a victim of domestic violence. The good news is that she finally got the courage to leave, and looking back, she says that the man would have killed her had she stayed even a day longer. Please, if you are going through domestic violence, stand up, pack up and leave. I cannot say it enough. The signs are always all over, but we always ignore them.
We choose to justify things: “I must have pissed him off….he hits me because he is jealous, and he is jealous because he loves me….”
please, stop….please, leave, please….before you die.
Some of the signs of domestic violence include:
Narcissism and alienation:
Most violent people have intense narcissism which may be hidden, but if you are keen enough, you will see it. It could be how he always wants things to go his way, and how he never gives you a chance to express yourself. You are nothing but an object that he uses to satisfy his narcissism.
Most abusers always make sure that they convince you to cut links with friends and family. They want to choose for you your friends, and even prefer when you have nobody around you. They want you to depend on them emotionally, financially, physically, and in all aspects of your life so that they can suppress you.
“I don’t want to see you interacting with those people, they are not good for you.” they say.
the truth is, they are afraid of you getting empowered and deciding to leave.
Stalking to no end:
How they monitor your every move, hovering near you like an albatross – sitting, waiting, watching…so close! They wants to know how you spend every ticking second. When your phone beeps, they linger , taking in every conversation as if it is their own….
They demands for your passwords and make you feel guilty when you do not want to share personal details of your life.
My friend says that a few months before she walked out her marriage, her ex-husband would pace up and down the path she used from work, waiting to catch her. She would find him walking up and down, with a hood on his head, just stalking her like a creepy thug.
“When did it start….?” I asked:
“A long while back. But I used to think it is cute, and that he does not want to lose me….”
Then he started demanding for explanations on every single move she made.
Putting you down with toxic words:
Domestic violence doesn’t restrict itself to the fists and punches. Sometimes it is in the words that crush your soul and shatter your self esteem.
“You are a bad mother. Your people are useless. You are so stupid. You are nothing without me.”
“He really makes me feel bad.” My friend told me over and over.
Some words permeate the air and tattoo themselves in the heart such that you have to battle your self esteem to find yourself long after the relationship is over.
Please, tower above it and walk away from the toxic relationship…..
The fists. The blows. The punches.
You have probably heard of the cliché, if he hits you once, he will do it again. Hey, do not let anyone hit you. Never allow someone to cause you harm for the sake of love. That is not how love is supposed to be. That is abuse. Do not stay hoping they will change. They never do….
They hit you, over and over,…you stay, miserable and sad. Do not stay for the children. No child should ever be brought up in an abusive home. They are the ones who suffer the most. The trauma of your parent falling upon receiving blows crushes the children, and causes them pain that they do not deserve.
Please, leave for your children.
It never helps when you stay for the kids. They wish you could leave….
The constant lies and excuses:
An abuser will lie:
“I will change. Don’t leave me. I don’t know what got to me. I do it because I love you. I will be kinder, better and gentler. Give me another chance.
Sadly, we fall into these many lies, hoping that they will keep their words, and the love will grow better.
They promise to help you chase your dreams and be the person you want them to be.
And then the blows rain again…followed by a series of apologies and more lies.
Over and over…until they kill you.