Monthly Archives: March 2014

27 TRUTHS, TO TURNING 27

Yesterday , I turned 27 years old *Pauses to sigh* the dreaded force of adulthood continually tugs me and the reality of how fleeting time is starts to dawn on me. With every year, I start realizing that I am not ready for a new age…I am not ready for a new birthday, a new definition and a new growth….
Yet time just happens. I have been reflecting on my truths…the things that make me; those that define me and my passions. See, sometimes life is a whirlwind and things happen fast and before you know it, adulthood is at your door, yet you look back and you do not see so much growth like you would have wanted.

bd

 

And so, in this blog, I will try to define myself through my truths, and the people who surround me.
1. I am so sensitive: I know….to most people, I come off as aloof and too self centered to care, but the truth is, I actually have a very fragile heart. I cry when I am heartbroken. I break down when I am sad and helpless. When I see someone I care about hurting, it penetrates my core.
2. The greatest gift that my father gave me when I was growing up, was the gift of books. I devoured the written word from when I was very young, and with it, came my insatiable desire of anything put in print. I am obsessed with words, with arrangements of the alphabets, with the sound that these words make upon my tongue…

3. The greatest fear I have is that someday I may die, and I would not have achieved half of what I dream to do in life.
4. I earn a living through weaving vowels and consonants together. I have the power to shred open words buried in graves and bring them dancing into life. I blow a gift of restoration to metaphors and create deep imagaries through the stroke of the pen. I arrange words like shots and ensure that non of them is misplaced in a sentence. I write for a living.

word

 

5. I believe that motherhood is a gift straight from the divine.
6. I get depressed easily. I don’t know what to blame it for, but I am one of those people who easily get depressed and sink into an abyss of deep blue. When I feel overwhelmed by life’s unfolding, I find myself coiling and crumbling into a hiding place ~ I cannot function well under sorrow, pressure and stress.
7. I drink too much coffee and i get withdrawal headache if I don’t have coffee in the morning.
8. This year, I believe is my year of restoration, of breaking barriers, and doing things that I was once scared to do. 2014 is my year to dare. To do. To damn believe. It is the year of crushing walls that I had previously set for myself and reaching for greatness.

 

freedom_breaking_through_wall_400_clr

 

9. I look back from where I have come from, and I think my heart is a piece of broken ceramic. And over the years, I have tried to painstakingly glue back the pieces that once shattered. Of course the edges are rough, the piece is not whole, and there are sadly, some pieces that I lost….there are cracks that sometimes let in a beautiful light, but other times, the cracks threaten to tear me open…sometimes I remember how far I have come, and the feeble strings that I held on to… and I cannot help but marvel at my strength.
10. I laugh too much. I always try to see the humor in every situation. Love and laughter continually lift me.
11. I forget very easily. Sometimes it makes me come out as self centered and vain, but really I think it could be a problem with my brain. I tend to forget even the most important things that my friends tell me
12. I subscribe to the desiderata mantra

desiderata_by_striveforpeace

13. I never intend to offend anyone deliberately. I will myself to do good because I am a firm believer of karma. Of course there are those days that through my words and action, I find myself hurting someone and making them feel terrible,, but really, I never wish to make anyone feel bad.
14. I have lived a beautiful life, both of brokenness and pain that I can only claim as my own truth but at the same time, I have lived a life full of joy, laughter and fulfillment. It is well with my soul
15. My mama is my mentor
16. I hate waking up in the morning. I am not a wake and go kind of person. I snooze my alarm too many times, I drag myself and it takes me well more than an hour before I am fully awake, long after I have jumped out of bed
17. I am surrounded by the most beautiful people. I am loved by the most unexpected people. Sometimes, I feel like God puts angels into my life and I feel like He gives me so much favor…more than I deserve; through the angels that He has put into my life.

angel

 

18. My favorite song is ‘Hollowed be thy name’ by Ron Kenoly. It breaks me into a thousand little pieces, and transports me to a world that is out of this place.
19. I am a very good singer and dancer
20. I believe in God. I believe in His powerful existence. I cannot talk about who I am, my healing, my struggles, my cross over…without acknowledging that He holds the globe and the turning of it.
21. I have never grown tired of watching reruns of ‘Friends’ the comedy. There will never be a greater show…..

friends

 

22. This week, I have cried the most.
23. My blog is called ‘tossing yoyos’ because everytime before I write a piece I have formed a habit of playing my pink yoyo…hurling it to the furthest it can go, and bringing it closer….over and over, till inspiration hits me.
24. My four siblings create a wall of protection around me….we are a story of rising….
25. Simon is the only person who kinda gets me, almost completely.
26. I am very moody. Every since I was young.
27. I have so many people who accept my truths and love me for who I am…and even though I may not do a good job to love them back with the same intensity, God knows I try!

Hooray to turning 27…and to the years past…and the ones that are stretched before me….still, God LIVES

 
 

 

 

 

 

 

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Categories: I AM | 16 Comments

THE WEIGHT….

There is no heavier weight, than that which presses the heart….

All of us who have weights….

Those of us who carry burdens…

Who seek release.

Whose hearts have been broken. Whose hearts are breaking. Whose dreams are shattering.

The weight…

We all know someone, whose silent cry is so vast and deep…

That beautiful woman who was recently diagnosed with breast cancer and is making her first trip towards the chemo journey. That woman whose hair is falling, on the pillow, on the floor, on the road, on the stairway.

That bald woman who is wearing a wig to keep off the stares and pitiful eyes…

 

You must know someone…who has sat down and listened confused as the doctor explained that the cancer in her mother’s body is far too gone, and is suggesting the hospice, or home treatment….

Yaah, could it be that you know someone, or you have heard of someone, who is so young, yet ravished by the fangs of cancer, the cells have infiltrated the body and rendered them weak. They look like a ghost of their former selves…

They are weak…

They gasp

They pray

They hope…

For death.

Or that little baby…who has not celebrated her first birthday yet…

And is in tubes, in pipes, in tears…

The parents who watch

And cringe

And lose hope…

We all know someone like that….

A young man…

Celebrating his anniversary alone…lost their beloved, to the battle of the tough, to the battle of the weak, to the battle of the defenseless….

And the tears that followed later.

And the loss…

Of faith,

Of religion

Of the fragrance of the Lord.

That woman whose hopes of birthing and nursing a baby…gone, into the pits of cancerous attacks…now no uterus…removed. Thrown. Half of her womanhood gone.

We know of such, don’t we?

Or that amazing pal, who is trying to survive the tossing of life, the winds of cancerous blows, of the husband gone…prostate cancer, lung cancer, blood cancer, skin cancer….

Bloody cancer….

Or that family…that have lost many to cancer…each from a generation

Of they that carry the cancer trait, and pass it to another..

 A puff of misfortune, a relay of disease, gloom…

That guy…that guy…that look is farmiliar…but now half his face is gone….doctors carved it out ~ malignant melanoma…now his heart, not just the face is distorted. He longs for death, but cannot find it.

A teen, youth stretch out, so much yet to be experienced.

Yet he lost his limbs…doctors had to cut it out…to arrest the cancer. To stop the cancer. To kill the cancer….

For those who succumb…and those who triumph…

And the lessons that lurk behind it all. I know there is pain. I know there is confusion, I know there is sooo much mixed feeling

And I know there are many questions…for doctors to address, and for family to ask among themselves..

Questions…

Directed to the Divine….

Agonizing turmoil….

Sometimes the battle is lost….

But that doesn’t mean that cancer won…no. that doesn’t take away the lessons that we learned. No. that doesn’t remove our belief from God.

It only make us embrace God and never let go.

 

cancer

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