At the beginning of this year, I made a resolution that 2013 is going to be my year to soar….I made a decision to BE and to chase the things that had eluded me in the past. I have to say this, 2013 has been a good year for me…it has been my year to soar, it has been a year of new beginnings. Of forgiving, of letting go, and walking through dark paths that once scared me.
1. I chased my passion with more energy. This year, I blogged more, just as I said I would. I worked towards the fulfillment of my passion for the written word. I wrote about my mama’s abuse, my cousin’s suicide, my insecurities, life’s strange unfolding, women who turn me on, a billion women rising~ I wrote for UN women, without inhibition. I wrote scripts that tugged my heart, I did it with my soul, my blood, my heart. This year, I received much feedback from people who said my inked thoughts haunted them; that they felt what I wrote…so 2013 has been good.
2. I cut my hair, almost to my scalp. And I felt a liberation, like I was being nudged towards a transformation. And the moment my hair hit the floor…snip, snip, snip…I couldn’t help but welcome the new beginning that I was starting. It wasn’t so much about a change of look really, but cutting my hair was like embracing a new someone…a new me. And I like it. Hair grows….and so do we. 2013 has been my year of growth.
3. I embraced God more and more. Yes, there was a time when I thought that God is just an illusion. There were days when I felt like He has abandoned me…that He was too silent. There was a time when I struggled with prayers because I was in a dark place. Shadows and veils.
But this year, I focused more on how far I have come, and the pit hole that God removed me from. The dangling prayers that I once had all over.
Now the days are over…they are so blurry, behind me. Those nights when I sat in darkness with tears, half muttered prayers and broken halleluhyas….the inexplicable almost shattered dreams….those days are behind me. This 2013 was my year of reconnecting with my God and dwell on His goodness.
I now see Him. I have seen Him clearly in 2013…He has shown me His face..and I am WHOLE….
All those things that I wanted to tell Him years ago, I told Him this year.
The sighs…a thousand messages of thanksgiving…I cannot wait to see how He will stretch His hand and show His face to me in 2014
4. I let go of so many friends. And this was a painful thing to do, because they are people who had been there for me when I needed a strong anchor. I cannot underscore enough the role that friendship has had in my life, and how empty I would have been if I didn’t have friends in my life. But just like angels, some friends are for a season, they come when God needs them to be in your life, and then when things stabilize, somehow, the friendship fizzles, and although no hard feelings remain, the bond that once held you gets weakened by so many things. Change in goals, in career, the revolving door that life is keeps moving…and so do the friend. This year, I have had to let go so many friends, so that I can take flight and soar…and I hope that they too have soared in the many things that they pursue, this 2013 has been a year of letting go!
5. We moved to a new house. And it is beautiful. I am still working on it to give it the feel that I want. It is not the moving that is so huge, but the milestones that we have covered for us to be in this new house that we have always wanted. So yes, it has been work, it has been draining, it has been stressful, but hey, we moved to a new house!
6..I went for another surgery. The moment a doctor tells you: “You will have to go for surgery…” And for you to internalize and accept… and throw yourself into the winds of fate. I think that is the most difficult thing to do. Of course I was scared. Nothing stuns you on how fragile life is and the reality of death than having to face a doctor’s knife. But I sailed through it well…and I lived.
7. I volunteered more at the hospice for people with chronic diseases. I stared into the eyes of people who had been told by doctors that they are dying. I watched in horror, that distant coldness that we get when we have been told that someone is dying. I watched as families held their loved ones and cry…I watched as a husband bid a wife goodbye, not sure if he will find her tomorrow. I watched a former pastor break down and cry to the Lord that he had served for years. I watched how fragile humanity is, and how people surrender to God when things downs here no longer hold. This year, I went to the hospice a lot, and not once did I leave with my heart not broken. I almost lost my religion. A prayer whispered here, a breath taken there, a desperate cry of a mother losing the fruit of her womb… the silent tears of someone who is in so much pain that death seems welcomed.
I cried. I prayed. I sunk. I surrendered. I soared.
8. I learned to walk away from things that didn’t matter. I deliberately chose to stay away from negative people and people who choose to focus on the negative sides of me. I accepted that these people are shaky in their own existence and they depend on putting people down so that they get a temporary high. I chose to look at the good side of everyone. I chose to ignore people who wanted to spread negativity towards my direction. I trained myself to breath in, and out….and ask myself: “Is it really worth it?” and you know what, most of the times, it wasn’t. so I chose to walk away and not let negative people dim my light that I have worked so hard to illuminate.
9. I loved more fiercely. I let my friends know how much they meant to me. I gave my mister more of my time. I spent more time with my family. I always let people who I cared about know that they matter to me. I sought to see goodness in everyone, even those who I had hurt me. I gave second chances. I apologized more, I appreciated more, I thanked those who touched my life and I openly made it known to those that I loved. Life is too brief to be playing games. And those who showed me love, I tried my best to use the love into building myself. I hope that those that I love know how much they mean to me.
10. I made more money than I did last year. I got better jobs than I did last year. I saved more money. I made better financial decisions. I set up a target and passed it by September. I slowed down on impulse buying and channeled my money towards better deals. I bought less clothes. I made a comprehensive expenditure plan and tried to stick by it; even when temptations stepped in front of me in the name of junk food and random holidays 🙂
I didnt borrow money from anywhere. I worked harder than I did last year. I plan to save more next year.
11. I became more REAL this year. I stopped letting people, or cliques or a flow define me. I refused to move with ideologies that I didnt believe in just so that I can please people. I started redefining myself and learning how to choose myself over others. I stopped caring what people will say, or what they have said about m. I realized that I am the only one who knows what I am about, and I shouldn’t always have to explain it to people who are not comfortable. I REFUSED to let my past, my mistakes, my failures, successes, body, hair and roles to shape how I think. So I stood up and talked about what I REALLY felt. I freed myself and BECAME.
12. I got depressed. I cried. I sunk deep into the fangs of mourning. Death took away three of my good friends. I lost someone that never was. I lost my videographer. My cousin Achieng’. I felt unfinished. I stayed in bed for days drowning in my own salt. I felt miserable. Alone. Defeated. Just partially present in this universe because the pain I was feeling was too much. The reality of death is too painful. 2013 taught me to rise. To put my hand in God’s hand and let Him lead me….and somehow, I was able to lift my head from the murk, and I saw cracks of sun penetrating through. It shall be well…it shall be well…it always has been.
13. It has been a great year. I have soared and I became a year older. I cannot wait for 2014. Suddenly, I am feeling this deep urgency to live fiercely….it pokes into every pore of my being….with an urgency, like water escaping a dyke….haiyaaaaa!
2014 is my year of BREAKING BARRIERS. It is my year of towering over things that are higher than where I stand. It is my year to TUMBLE OVER the boundaries that I had set for myself, and those that have been set for me. It is my year to DARE…
I cannot wait…but of course I cannot go alone. So I put my hand in God’s hand and tell Him to lead.